Version 3.1 supersedes v3.0, which superseded v2.7. Versions 2.8 through 2.9 were skipped for reasons Gary cannot recall. He believes he was renumbering something else at the time.
For the purposes of this agreement, the following terms shall have the meanings set out below. Gary has tried to be precise.
| "The Platform" | The elk. Collectively, the elk. Not a software platform. If you have arrived here expecting a software platform, please review our homepage more carefully. It is all there if you read it in the right spirit. |
| "Organic Node" | An individual elk. Each elk is an Organic Node. They have names. The names are: Gerald, Kevin, Brenda, and Derek. Derek is new. |
| "User" | You. The person who has entered or is considering entering the enclosure. By reading these terms you have already begun a relationship with ElkScale whether you intended to or not. |
| "Customer Success Wrangler" | Gary. There is one. It is Gary. |
| "Session" | Your visit to the enclosure. Sessions are 45 minutes (Standard), 90 minutes (Professional), or all day (Enterprise, subject to availability and Gerald's mood). |
| "Pellet" | The small, compressed feed pellets available from the vending machine at the entrance. Pellets are sold in portions of 50g, 100g, or 200g. The vending machine accepts coins and contactless. It does not accept the £50 note, a situation Gary has escalated to the manufacturer twice. |
| "The Rutting Node" | The pub at the bottom of the lane. Not affiliated with ElkScale. Gary is, however, a regular. You may see him there. |
By accessing the ElkScale platform — that is, by entering the enclosure — you agree to be bound by these Terms of Service in their entirety. You are deemed to have accepted these terms at the moment you step through the outer gate, regardless of whether you have read them. The outer gate is the one with the yellow sign.
The elk have not been made aware of these terms, and their behaviour does not constitute acceptance, waiver, or endorsement of any specific clause. The elk are not party to this agreement. The elk are simply elk.
If you do not agree with these terms, you may exit through the outer gate. Please ensure the outer gate is closed behind you. Gary cannot stress this enough.
Subject to these Terms, ElkScale grants you a limited, non-exclusive, non-transferable licence to interact with the Organic Nodes during your Session. Permitted activities include:
The following activities are expressly prohibited during any Session. This list is not exhaustive. Gary reserves the right to identify new prohibited activities in the field, in real time, as they occur.
To the fullest extent permitted by applicable law, ElkScale and its operators (Gary) shall not be liable for any loss, damage, injury, or incident arising from or in connection with your Session, including but not limited to the following, which are offered without ranking and with genuine affection for all parties involved:
ElkScale collects and processes a limited amount of personal data in order to operate the platform and provide an effective Session experience. This section describes what we collect, how we use it, and where it lives.
Data we collect: Your name and email address are collected at booking. Your tier selection is recorded. Gary also manually observes and notes which Organic Node you spent the most time with during your Session. This observation is made by Gary, with his eyes, while he is doing other things. It is written on a clipboard. The clipboard is on a hook in the office.
How your data is stored: Your data is stored in Gary's Google Sheet. The Google Sheet has been password protected since the incident in March 2025, which Gary would rather not go into. There is a backup. The backup is a printed version of the Google Sheet, which is kept in the filing cabinet. The filing cabinet does not lock but is very heavy.
Retention: Your data is retained for as long as Gary has not accidentally deleted the row, which has happened twice. If you believe your record has been deleted, you are welcome to rebook and Gary will add you again.
Third parties: Your data is not shared with third parties, sold, or used for advertising purposes. It may, however, be mentioned by Gary at the Rutting Node if the conversation turns to interesting visitors, which Gary's conversations occasionally do. This is not a formal data transfer. Gary means well.
Your rights: You have the right to access, correct, or request deletion of your personal data. To exercise these rights, please contact Gary. Gary will look in the Google Sheet. Gary will try his best.
The ElkScale website uses cookies to improve your browsing experience, remember your session preferences, and gather anonymised analytics about which pages are visited most. You can manage cookie preferences through your browser settings. Refusing cookies will not affect your ability to book a Session but may affect certain site features, such as the button that pre-fills your preferred node.
Separately, the Pellet vending machine at the facility entrance occasionally dispenses a pellet that has fractured during storage and is, in Gary's words, "more crumb than pellet." These are different types of cookies. Both exist. ElkScale is responsible for the website ones and is actively working with the analytics provider to ensure compliance with applicable data regulations. Gary is working on the vending machine cookies and has contacted the supplier. The supplier has not responded. Gary will contact them again.
ElkScale reserves the right to update, amend, or entirely rewrite these Terms of Service at any time and for any reason, including but not limited to: new elk, new behaviours exhibited by existing elk, changes to the pellet formulation, regulatory developments, Gary having a new opinion, or the discovery that a previous version contained an error that Gary is embarrassed about.
When these terms are updated, the version number at the top of this document will change. Gary will not notify you of the change by email, push notification, or in-person announcement. You will not notice the version number has changed. This is, Gary acknowledges, not ideal, but changing it requires updating the sheet and Gary has other things on.
Your continued use of the Platform following any update to these Terms constitutes your acceptance of the revised Terms. If you have not visited since the last version was published, your acceptance is deemed to occur at the moment you next step through the outer gate. Please close the outer gate.
These Terms of Service and any dispute arising from them shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the jurisdiction in which the Organic Nodes are resident, which is a field. Specifically, it is the big field behind the access road, not the small field to the left of the car park, which belongs to someone else and is not part of ElkScale's operations despite what the signage may imply. Gary is dealing with the signage.
In the event of a dispute, the parties agree to first attempt resolution through good-faith discussion, ideally not during a Session, as Gary finds it hard to concentrate when Kevin is nearby. Formal legal proceedings may be initiated in any court of competent jurisdiction, though Gary respectfully notes that the cost of doing so will almost certainly exceed the value of the claim unless your hat was very expensive.
For general enquiries, booking issues, complaints, or feedback about the Organic Nodes, please visit the Contact Gary page. Gary will respond when he is able. Gary is often not at his desk, in the sense that his desk is a folding table in the office next to the pellet shed and he is frequently not at it.
If you wish to raise a formal legal matter — a contractual dispute, a data subject access request, a query about liability — please direct your correspondence to Gary via the same contact page. Gary will receive your message, read it carefully, and then refer you to Callum.
Callum is not a lawyer. Callum is Gary's brother-in-law. Callum did two years of a law degree in 2003 before switching to sports science. Gary acknowledges this is not ideal. Gary is looking into it. If you are a solicitor and you are reading this and you are interested in a retainer that partially involves elk, please do get in touch.